you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
