oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize