My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize