2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
my being single is dangerous.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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