my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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