Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
