I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize