Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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