I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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