Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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