and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
