He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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