my vag is so smooth its legendary
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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