Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize