you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
