So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
