Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
