wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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