yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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