I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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