Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
