You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
