So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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