So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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