I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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