Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
