I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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