She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
