Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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