between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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