I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
