Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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