I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
