I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dick very happy bro
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
