if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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