he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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