Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
