god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
