OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
