i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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