happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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