Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
