I am puke
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
