I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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