If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
