What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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