My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
