I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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