bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize