And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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