So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
