This is not my ceiling
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
