Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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