who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i drank out of a bidet.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
