new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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