I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize