my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Less talking, more tequila
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
