I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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