I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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