Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
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