Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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