At least make sure they are 18
Why
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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