TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
