Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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