i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
