its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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