Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
