Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I want her autograph on my taint
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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