woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
