TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize